Waking up sobbing was nothing new for me. It would happen regularly. I missed him, oh how I missed him. I missed his gentle touch, his soothing words, and his love. I missed how he would wrap his arms around me and not say a word, he would know… *sniffles* When I needed him. When I would cry he would hold me, and lull me like a small child and I lived for him. Lived for his presence, lived for his love, lived and loved him. I remember our first kiss it was rushed and awkward and daring. He kissed me.
“How much longer Gee?” Gerard never thought he could hate a question as much as he did this one.
“Mikey if you ask me that again I’ll…I’ll…” Gerard said in a slightly frustrated tone.
“You’ll what Gee?” Mikey asked with a smirk. “Cant think of a threat?”
“You know what shut fuck up! Or ill turn this car around or better yet leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere!” yelled Gerard
Mikey pouted and turned away from Gerard. Gerard knew it was easy to make his brother cry and any form of yelling was bound to do it.
“Aw Mikes don’t be that way I didn’t mean to yell.” Gerard quickly remembered Mikey’s fear of being alone and regretted threatening him with it.
Mikey turned towards Gerard with a tear streaked face still pouting. No matter how many times Gerard had tried to deny the fact that he loved his brother as more then just a brother it has never worked. Gerard just learned to except this and live with it. Mikey just looked so fragile. Gerard silently drove to the side of the road and stopped the car. He knew this place really well and would come here when he needed space. Sure it was an hour’s drive from the city but it was his only escape. He got out of the car motioning Mikey to do the same but Mikey refused to get out of the car.
“Mikes come on! Please! I wanna show you something you know I would never leave you alone.” Said Gerard in a low whisper.
At this Mikey opened his door to the waiting Gee and practically fell into his arms. Gerard had never seen Mikey cry like this especially since he knew Gerard would never fallow through with any of his warnings. Then it occurred to Gerard that this had been the first time he had ever raised his voice on his brother. Gerard wrapped his arms around Mikey and softly whispered in his ear. “Shh Mikes, I’m sorry I yelled.” At this Mikey started to cry even more, sobbing into Gerard’s shirt. Gerard grabbed Mikeys hand and pulled him close softly kissing the top of his head. “Come on Mikey don’t be like this.” Gerard whispered into Mikey’s hair. After about ten minutes Mikey started to calm down. Gerard noticed this too and softly nuzzled into Mikeys hair. “Fallow me, OK?” asked the older brother.
At this Mikey nodded and detached himself from his brother but still held a tight grip on Gerard’s hand. Gerard noticed this and gave Mikeys hand a light squeeze. Gerard started to walk towards the meadow and after a little bit of walking they reached a small shack. Gerard pulled out a key from his pocket and opened the door. What Mikey saw was a bit like Gerard’s room back home. The walls where lined with doodles and drawings of monsters and ghosts. Behind the posters and paintings he noticed black chipping paint. There was a small bed in one corner and a ton of comic books. Soda cans and chip bags lined the floor.
“What is this Gee?” asked Mikey softly still sniffling.
“This is my escape; no one can bother me here. I needed somewhere where I could be alone, and I wanted to share it with you. I wanted to show this place to you.”
“Gee, I don’t know what to say…” whispered Mikey in awe as he walked over to Gerard and wrapped his arms around his older brother’s waist. “ I hope what I want to give you will be as amazing as your gift.” And with that Mikey leaned in and kissed his older brother on the lip.
I quickly got up realizing that if this memory was dwelled on it would kill me. It would slowly eat away at my heart and soul so I did not except it. If he had died it would have been easier even though I should not think this it wouldn’t cause me this agonizing torment, and dread. He was alive and far away from me. Mikey had made it so clear that he did not want anything to do with me nothing.
“Gerard we need to talk, it’s really important.” Mikey was rather pale that day more so than usual. He was in endless thought and Gerard had even caught Mikey debating with himself aloud. Gerard knew something was wrong when his younger brother turned away from a kiss and was very cold to Gerard the entire day.
“Mikey, baby, is something wrong?”
“Yes! Gerard something is wrong! We are wrong! We shouldn’t be like this, this is not normal Gerard! Gerard this is over I don’t love you and I don’t think I ever have! I only thought I loved you, it was my imagination Gerard! No one could ever, ever love you! Your sick and worthless Gerard I hate you! I never want to see or hear you ever again so could you please just leave me alone Gerard! Just leave me the fuck alone! Is that so hard? Don’t you understand? It’s so simple, I need you to get out of my life so I'm helping you I’m getting out of yours and I need you to stay out! I need my space and my life back Gerard! You killed me, slowly and painfully killed me and I am done! All you have ever done is cared for me, loved me, been there and I don’t want that! I need you to stay away Gerard and yes that is coming from the heart I have been thinking and I need my space and I mean it!
That was the last time I ever saw Mikey in person. I had fallowed as he wished and kept my distance. It hurts but if it’s what he wants then that’s his right. I will never find someone like him that I fully comprehend but maybe I need the exact opposite of him. Maybe I need someone that will truly love me for me and who isn’t my brother. All I know is I need someone…Or maybe I just need to be alone?